SPIT AND IMAGE
Gentlemen, to my right stands a great man who celebrates his second birthday
today, making him the first character ever to achieve this momentous
milestone. On my left, sits a creature, one year old today, which is perhaps
the most memorable and loved of all characters. To you, Slosh and Plimpkin, I
would like to introduce Joe Black, Mary Fortwright, Patrick Yrytz, and a
surprise guest in this story dedicated to you: On an anniversary to remember
A dog barked. A wolf howled. And the birds carressed the cool
night air with a brilliance all to themselves. Joe Black looked down into the
endless pit that he knew of as home. He brushed softly against the silver
railing. He touched the smooth, polished walls, and spat into the abyss. He
heard his saliva make a small spash and listened to the sound reverberate
throughout his metal domicile. Joe smiled to himself. Joe was one of the smart
guys, who had run away from his parents when he was a little above seven. Most
kids wouldn’t have had the guts, but Joe did. Most kids weren't brave enough
to smoke pot, and to shoplift, and to lie, either. But Joe could. 'Cause Joe
was cool. Suddenly he heard a whimper come from the opposite side of the
He took a deep breath, spat, and walked around the periphery of
the pit while admiring his ingenuity in finding a home. Joe had a lot of
things: Self dependence, respect, and enjoyment out of life. No one could mess
around with him without getting his face bashed in. Joe giggled. You know,
that's exactly what Patrick Yrytz had tried to do.
Patrick Yrytz was a jerky nerd who went to the same school as
Joe, and like a nerd, liked it. He always did his homework, and even liked his
parents. He was exactly what Joe was not: An irrespectable brain. Yep. Patrick
and, ahh... Mary Fortwright, who had crushes on each other even though neiter
knew how the other felt, were gigantic turkeys. They would never know the
feeling of true independence.
Joe came to the origin of the scream, and, after lurching into
the abyss, bent down to open a sack. He reached into the sack and filled his
arms with Mary. "Oh, baby," he replied holding her shoulders and
caressing other body parts.
Mary shuddered, trying to make out a scream. Joe forced a kiss
before she could.
And then he threw her back into the bag. "You, my
dear," he said in a Southern-drugged out drawl, "are merely bait. I
don't waste my time with bait." Mary weakily began to cry, while Joe
laughed. Joe was finally going to bring his well-planned idea into action: He
was going to have his revenge on Patrick for looking at him funny. Nerds
shouldn't look at cool guys, even if they don't mean any harm. They should
just stay away, and, if they don't, they deserve everything they get. 'Joe
slumped the bag back to where it was and walked a little ways till he came to
another. Pausing to spit into the void, he opened this one by reaching a hand
in and pulling the insides out by the hair. Patrick screamed in a cloddish
sort of way. "What you doin' lookin' at me in a stupid way?" said
Joe, in a masculine form that only he could utter.
"When... when do you mean?" sputtered Patrick in a
"The time," Joe paused to spit, "I was walkin'
down the halls at school an' you stared at me. You was thinkin' I wasn't up to
your standards." Joe said in his macho sort of accent. Only Joe was great
enough to talk like Joe could.
"Shut up! I don't want to hear it!" He paused, looking
around for a second. "Watch this!" Joe walked over to Mary's bag,
spat, and opened it. Patrick watched in the dim lighting as Joe forced his
lips to hers and began to move his hand down her side.
"No!" he screamed as he ran over to stop Joe. But Joe
was just too great for the drip. He dropped Mary and grabbed Patrick as he
rushed toward him. With one mighty push he shoved Patrick over the railing
that held them from the pit. The nerd screamed all the way down until he hit
the metal siding. Mary shuttered as she heard her secret lover smash against
the steel walls, and his screams come to a stop.
Joe laughed, seeing the end of his hated enemy. And then he
looked down to a whimpering Mary. "And now for you," he said in a
virile manner. But Mary needed to know something first. "Wait...
w...w..where are we?" she mumbled, feeling herself being drawn up.
"You' meen you don't know? Just look around this place. He
saw an empty look in her eyes. "This has been my home for a little over
eight years. You, my dear, are inside that old empty water tower up on top of
that hill only a quarter of a mile from your own house."
"This is the inside of a water tower? But... where's the
"Gone ever since thay shut it down' bout ten years'
go." And then, without further ado, he grabbed her blouse and tore it in
two. He felt his body temperature rise as she struggled against his mighty
And then he heard a small, squishing noise come from behind him.
He turned around in horror as he saw the thing oozing out off the side of the
pit. It was huge, ten feet tall, and had no recognizable form. And it slowly
chewed a piece of Patrick's arm in its mouth.
"No! Joe screamed, dropping Mary and running toward the
a... saliva monster!"
The monster lunged for Joe, but Joe felt no fear, even as the
monster slowly wrapped itself around his muscular body, and stuck its fangs
into his thick neck. Fresh, manly blood spirted out, turning the monster a
pinkish color. It quickly entered the wound and began to react with Joe's
bloodstream. But he refused to scream, even as he felt himself being ripped
apart from the inside. Finally the saliva reach his heart, and he slumped to
the floor, leaving the monster the best meal he would ever have.
Mary slowly reclined on her plastic lawn chair, bathing in the
warm, Florida sun. She was finally happy; she had found someone to share her
love. Well, maybe it had eaten Patrick, her friend, but, then, it had saved
her from Joe, right? Mary leaned back. She silently wondered why she wasn't as
popular as she had been before she was married. I guess it was that slimy goo
on her lips...